May 20, 2014 at 4:35 pm Enter your password to view comments.
Oh how I’ve missed sharing my thoughts with… Well nobody I suppose. I’ve neglected all my blogs for so long that no one reads them anymore. It’s okay.
I’m back. I feel like Lisa again. I cannot over emphasize the assistance that being properly medicated has given me. I can focus. My mindset is good. I am, dare I say, happy? Our problem child has not lived in our home since August. He graduates in a week, he is still proceeding through the legal process. I wish him well. I do not wish him back.
If you do happen to swing by and you’re not in the greatest place, get help. It makes a world of difference and you are worth it.
My bullshit meter’s been pegged awhile now. Dislike how things went down with my cushy gov’t job. Dislike my current family dynamic in which Cpt. Fantastic, itching to turn 18 and facing his most serious criminal charges yet, is behaving in such a way that I cannot wait for this to go to court. Rather than perjure myself, I will be totally honest if asked to testify. It won’t be entirely, if at all, on his behalf.
Is it wrong to just want him gone? Over the past five years, he has flatly rejected every single one of our efforts to teach him some life skills and how not to be a d-bag, he’s become a d-bag with no life skills. Who turns 18 in 18 days. Who is still waiting to be charged with Second Degree Sexual Assault of a minor. She was 13. God only knows what the investigation will turn up on his cell phone or what the story is on the iPod we found that he’d been hiding in his room. Would you take it to the PD if you thought it was stolen? Yep. I think I would too. So I will do that today.
I only blog here when I need to. It’s a conversation to whomever might be listening because I feel like I am being ignored elsewhere.
Life kind of blows at the moment. But it is also good. So good. I am nearly crippled by depression and anxiety most days. In the middle of a EEO complaint that cost me my job. A job I do and don’t want back. I do if the boss is gone. I don’t if I’m setting myself up for the same old shit. But then there’s the mourning of my lost income. The frustration about the fact that I was not just terminated for being unfit for a position I was good at, the offender also destroyed my professional reputation on some very high levels. In a nutshell, career, corrupt bureaucrats are winning and the injustice angers me so much that I have constant chest pain.
But on the flip side, I have an amazing, amazing isn’t strong enough of a word… My husband is the greatest person in this entire world. He loves me without hesitation or limits. Is my rock, my sail and my best friend.
So I am figuring out what’s next. School starts October 1 and I will create my path from there. I am, however, open to suggestions.
Today the unthinkable happened.
Someone my kids love to play with and consider a close friend, someone I thought was a good kid, said some horrific things to my boys.
He mocked them because they are Asian. Told them they have “tiny, little Asian penises”.
And then it got worse. All three of the boys were there, I’m sure he thought he was just being funny.
But what is funny about telling adopted kids their “real parents are dead”?
One thought he was kidding (his friend, the oldest), one wasn’t paying attention (The Emperor), but my sweet Khanatoly LOST. HIS. SHIT.
An eight year old isn’t prepared to shut that kind of thing down so he ran home in a quickalreadyyesterday hurry. I had no words. Then I calmed down and reminded him that we are his parents and we’re not dead. What else could I do?
I have a zero-tolerance policy for racism, bullying and general ignorance. Obviously this falls into all categories? How should I handle it? Talk to the kid? Talk to the parents? The Czar was going to talk to the kid. We will see how that goes.
But I still want to punch the little F*cker in the face. These are my babies you’re being mean to!
What words of advice have you got?
Broken Phone #3.
“I hate everyone in this family except Kostya.”
“I want the fuck out of this fucking family right now.”
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat. It had been so long that I’d hoped we were past it. Nope.
“From here on out, I’m going to choose to make only bad decisions.”
On the positive side, these episodes bring the younger two boys closer to me. The Emporer actually snuggled for a bit this morning. He was super helpful getting ready for football too. Sadly, it is because he blames himself for these episodes. The Khan snuggled with us all night. It worries him when this happens. Don’t get me wrong, to a disinterested party, it would be terrifying. For us, it’s just old.
Another positive lesson this week, I have a much better day mood-wise when I do something. Especially if I make something. I am trying to break the habit of “Why bother doing things, it’ll just leave me nothing to do tomorrow”. So far, a week of success and a much better mood. Yay!
The more things change, the more they stay exactly the same. Apparently it’s been forever since I used this blog (that no one reads) for it’s intended purpose. So here I am, watching the Packer game, so they’re losing; preparing to dump my soul to the interwebz.
The Army has taken us to move #4 in the last five years making me (again) unemployed. I hate not working. Mostly I think I hate the feeling of being detached from society that not working causes. I derive very little satisfaction from being an at-home parent. Mad props to those of you that can and do, but I derive no thrill from living vicariously. Instead I sit here at Ft. McFun 100% convinced that life is passing me by.
I think it is fair to say I have no life. We rarely have plans we didn’t make. Apparently, we’re assholes and no one likes us because we don’t get invited anywhere and rarely are our invites accepted except for a handful of folks. So to all of you who said “Yay! It’ll be nice to have you home” when we got orders here or “I sure wish you were closer” while we were gone I’d like to ask “why?”. Our presence or absence in your life has no effect whatsoever. When was the last time we hung out? Had dinner? Played cards? Met up at the park? I am not whining that I have no friends, I do. But most of the go-to friends aren’t here. I’m lonely. I am lonely and I am very, very bored.
Turns of fate and twists of life have cost me my faith in humanity and, on some days, my faith entirely. Since July 2005, I’ve had exactly 12 months of full-time work for pay, we had an illegal foreclosure and can’t get anyone to help us and our financial situation has gone from ~meh~ to shitty and headed downhill. I’d try to find the positive, but most days, I just can’t dig that deep.
I can’t find my place. I feel like a person with no hometown, no roots. Not that I want them, but living where you were born and raised but feeling like you don’t fit in is a surreal feeling.
Thanks for reading. I didn’t promise a good blog, just a therapeutic one.